my smiling scar
1st ramadhan.
What started out as a normal routine check-up, ended up being something we totally didn’t foresee. We never knew the gender of our baby and although 80% of those around me tell me that I’m carrying a boy, ammar stood his ground and insisted that we’re having a girl. So during the check-up, with ammar, mama and yan all crowding the doctor’s office for ultrasound, baby decided to finally reveal ‘herself’. Subhanallah, I can still recall the shock because I’ve convinced even myself that we were to have a boy.
Ammar just stood smiling smugly at me. And then a few minutes later we were in for another shock, the doctor explained that my amniotic fluid was very low and that our baby was already quite big so even at 37 weeks it was advisable that I deliver her early, that is, the next day. What?! I wasn’t due for another two more weeks. So I told the doctor that I’ll sleep on it but she made an appointment to have me induced the next morning and have baby’s heartbeat monitored anyway for fear of further complications if the baby gets bigger. I went home, and as much as I was scared about delivering the baby I was also already too anxious to wait any longer. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to have her right there and then…so after buka puasa and tarawikh, the whole family sat to discuss and decided that I’m ready to deliver the next day.
That night I don’t think anybody could really sleep, we were all up reciting the quran and performing qiyam. After sahur, I was already busy preparing my and baby’s hospital bag. I was so nervous; I vomited several times that morning. Around 9am, abah lead the solat hajat with ammar, mama, me and yan. And then off we went to the hospital.
In my hospital room, the doctor came to check my opening and had me induced. Surprisingly, as much as I’ve anticipated the pain coming it never did, so I was thoroughly thankful to Allah at that time. We waited for another 4 hours and by 4pm when the doctor came again to check my opening she told me that I was 3cm dilated and so the nurses came to change me and prepare me and I was wheeled to the labour room.
My doctor came again, and inserted drips to quicken the labour process and then she started poking something and I felt a light gush of water came out however I still can’t feel any contractions. During labour, the nurses came several times to check on me and every time they would ask me whether I was in pain or not. Rupa-rupanya I’ve already had quite a number of contractions at that time but I guess, alhamdulillah, Allah gave me strength to endure them and I only felt mild pain in the tummy. Only eventually when the pain grew a minute apart that I started feeling the discomfort of the contractions. Ammar, mama and abah, yan and sometimes lin all took turn to sit beside me in the labour room all the while reciting the quran. I remembered feeling so overwhelmed with the support and also guilty because they had to wait soo long. Buka puasa pun bergilir-gilir. I kept apologizing to abah and mama which made abah even more sad, he simply hushed me and kissed my forehead. I apologized to ammar over and over and he would calm me down, gosok-gosok me and kissed me and told me to sabar banyak-banyak. 8 hours of non-stop contractions and only 5cm dilated, masyaallah, I’ve never felt so helpless in my entire life. I kept telling mama that I felt so tired, the only thing I had since lunch was zam-zam water, but she reminded me, “sabar sayang, allah tengah gugurkan dosa-dosa kakak sekarang ni.”
Eventually right around midnight, after 8-hours of enduring the painful contractions, my doctor came in and said that there’s a possibility that the baby’s position is not right which doesn’t allow her to engage properly so the best option is to operate. I remembered ammar agreeing immediately and terus pujuk-pujuk me telling me it’s going to be okay. I guess it was hard for him to sit there and watch me in pain any longer, so I agreed to be operated.
The nurses (who by the way are the nicest group of people who really helped calm me down) came and again changed me for operation, and later tubes were being inserted and then I was wheeled to the operation theatre. I agreed to be given an anaesthetic which numbs my bottom half. I wanted to be conscious to hear the baby cry. The whole process felt surreal…I remembered feeling a sudden wave of calmness after the anaesthetic, suddenly the contractions were gone, the queasiness from the tubes were gone, all that was left was a wave of relief and numbness. I could hear everything, the beeping from the monitors around me, the sound of the whole procedure taking place. I was scared, but I kept reminding myself, “innallaha ma’ana.” The doctors were so swift and every once in a while I would hear them utter “allah, allah, allahuakbar,” which is a really beautiful sound during moments like that.
3rd ramadhan.
Around 0115 hours, just 15 minutes after I was wheeled into the operation theatre, the calmness was being broken by the most beautiful sound of my baby crying. i remembered crying through my oxygen mask. Subhanallah, It was definitely the most magical feeling I’ve ever experienced. The doctors pulled her out, wrapped her and brought her to my chest. i was still numb so I couldn’t hold her immediately but the doctor brought her near my face and I welcomed her, “assalamualaikum sayang.” And kissed her, masyaallah since she was born early, there were still traces of vernix on her body. And then she was whisked away to be cleaned. And all the while after that, all I could feel was this ultimate state of euphoria. Even when they were stitching me up again, or being hauled from bed to stretcher, or being inserted by several more tubes, all I could do was smile. When I was being wheeled out, I was all smiles seeing my husband, my parents, my sisters, my families all glad to see me. It was a beautiful feeling. This experience of bringing another life into this world is the most rewarding yet humbling experiences I’ll treasure for the rest of my life.
Once, when I asked ammar to check on that spot where I was operated whether it looks okay or not, he simply said, “okay sayang, parut you tengah senyum.”
So, that’s the story of how I got my smiling scar.
